My birthday wish this year will be similar to the wish I made whilst in Penang this year. No one else knows what that wish is except for myself. I pray to God to fulfill this wish of mine; because this wish is not meant for myself, but for someone else.
And after taking out one last thing from the chest and dispatching it, I shall close the lid of the chest and set it on fire. Thereafter, I'll spread the ashes on the crops so that they may absorb the useful nutrients and grow tall and beautiful.
Hopefully you will be able to see my analogy here. A new era shall reign. Not because I say so only, but because I am putting my plan into action. And more importantly, because I can make a difference. All these reflection and in-depth thinking has brought me to realise something important, which I can't be bothered to elaborate here.
I will not take the easy way out. I'll show the world what I can be; I'll show the world what we are capable of. Since I am graduating this year and will not be tied down with military activities next year, I have decided to dedicate these free time to community service, beginning with RSPCA and I will see how it goes from there. Now all I need to do is just call them up to tell them I want to take the available spot which they have posted online.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
11:55 AM
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I was surprised that a reader of my blog actually sent me an e-mail. Well, I'm not sure how she knew about my e-mail address... Hmmm.... Oh well... Anyway, it was a pleasant surprise I guess. I was not upset by it or felt my privacy intruded. Just felt a bit surprise.
Just so my readers know, I have never given up on myself nor have I condemned myself to eternal erm... Condemnation? Because by doing so, I am giving up on my country and my people and those that I wish to help in future when I become more successful. And I don't want to give up on them because I care about them - Because they are my purpose in life. :)
So as I continue to seek meaning in life and learn from lessons, there's no doubt that there will be lots of hardship, especially in initial years of my training... :)
I am not sure if I have posted these photos on my blog before; if not, here it is...
I miss my prata a lot... :(
I miss my chicken curry that comes with my prata... :(
I miss the onion smell from the prata (I like onion-flavoured prata)...
And as I look at my military testimonial from last semester, I want to do even better for this semester's. Of pertinence is achieving the University Medal and leaving a name for Singapore and for my organisation on the boards in my university.
I really really want my prata :( I am touching down in Singapore on a morning in December; I guess I will go for prata straight away first, before retiring to my bed and waking up for my yong tau fu... Perhaps at Chinatown, or just the one at Siglap...
I'll have to get used to eating by myself outside of Australia again. Eating alone whilst in Australia is not a problem for me; I do that every meal every day. But not in Singapore, for everyone I call family and friends are back there. They say it becomes harder to adapt as you grow older; I didn't know how true that could be until I came to an overseas military academy, where it is not just a shift from civilian to military, but also a shift from one's country's culture to another country's culture, with the military part complicating the entire thing.
So right now, I can say that I am Australian trained - I know how to operate the rifle Australians use, but I don't know how to handle a SAR21, which Singapore soldiers use!!!!!!!!!! Am I going to have to search through all the military dumps in future to look for an M16 if the need arises one day? Or shall I be destined to give commands and directions from HQ in future? Well, I guess it is hard to say - Because it really depends on what state of conflict my country will be in and whether there will be any planes left for me to fly and whether by that time I am already a prominent somebody or so on and so forth.
What should I do tomorrow? Right now, my heart is telling me to eat all the tasty Asian bakery available to me right now, before I am confined yet again, with no other choices of food, except for what the mess cooks for us...
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
9:32 PM
My stocks are up again. I am up by a few hundred dollars. But again, I don't feel happy or excited about it at all.
I think today I shall just have some laksa and head down to the beach to suntan and to daydream... I have read more than 100 pages worth of research articles and journal articles over the past one week. It is time for a break.
The rest of this post has been deleted for my own purpose. Because it is just pure nonsense.
I'm going to drive to some secluded beach where there is no one else.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
11:29 AM
Monday, November 09, 2009
I hate sleeping.
I really hate sleeping...
Especially when it consists of beautiful dreams that are past memories. Though I do have beautiful past memories, I never want to experience them again because now I know that they will never last, especially so if these dreams are all the more beautiful. That's what I have learnt about beautiful experiences so far in my life... Especially so for the most beautiful dream I had for the past 2 years.
I'd rather have scars and pain for the rest of my life; not so that I can appreciate when beauty comes along. But rather, so that I can get used to it so much so that it becomes a norm and I think nothing and feel nothing about it no matter how much shit happens.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
8:41 PM
Today, I just want to go to the beach and have a swim by myself without anyone around. That should not be too difficult given the fact that it is a working day and I am going to some small beach that is not popular and is far away from the population centres.
Sometimes, I just can't help wondering why must I have such a good memory that I can even remember things that I did 20 years ago, even as a 2 year old? Yes. I do remember some things that I did in detail as a 2 year old, especially whilst on holiday overseas. And it is not just one event; I can remember numerous events and things that I did as a 2 year old. Why must I have such a good memory?
I'm trying to erase a chapter. It was written beautifully in permanent ink; however, ink was spilled over it, soaking it through the pages. And every page is just one big ugly blotch now. Nevertheless, amidst the ugly blotches, I could imagine the beautifully written words and the beautiful story that the chapter used to tell. And because I can't erase all these blotches, all I can do is write over these blotches with a different coloured pen. The problem is that the blotches have yet to dry, and writing over them becomes very difficult as the paper keeps tearing... And more often than not, the black blotch overshadows my current ink; for black is such a strong colour.
I should just burn the book. The wet blotches won't burn away as it's yet to dry. So I'll have to dip the whole book in oil first, to make sure it's burnt completely.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
2:45 AM
Sunday, November 08, 2009
I am relieved my grandma has been discharged and is learning to walk again :) That is good news, especially so when I can't be there personally.
I roughly know the average marks for this semester already. I should be averaging 90 marks - Confirmed 95 for Indonesian, confirmed 100 for Computer Games, and estimated 75 for Geographic Research Methods. So average is around 90. If it's really 90, then is very likely the University Medal is well within my reach. Usually as academics get harder, people tend to do less as well. I am supposedly no different from anyone else, except that I have found strength and energy through disappointment. And for me, I just want to do well in my academics and my training as a pilot. I want nothing else in this world right now (not including long term dreams and goals); I just want to be the best academic student and best pilot trainee for the next few years as I turn all the disappointment and anger within me into strength.
I don't have anything I care in this world; I don't have many people that I care too. I no longer have any acquaintances; people are either friends tome or they are not. I don't care about a lot of things anymore; so nothing much stands in my way now. Even if someone I know died, but if he is not family or friend, I don't really care too. It's just his luck that he died.
I have no more sympathy left in me. I have no more emotions nor feelings for anyone else, not even myself. What I have is the knowledge that others can still feel; and that my direction in life and personal goals in life should consider others' emotions on a rationale basis, but not based on my emotions too. Let me give you an analogy: If I see someone dying, I will do my best to save him. But if he still eventually dies, I'd just walk away, for I have done my best to save him. But I will not wept a tear for him; neither will I feel sad for that person. That event will just be any other normal event for me, just like having lunch or dinner today. That's what I mean by based on a rationale, but not emotional basis.
I have no more emotions anymore. I don't know how to feel anymore. Even the an innocent smile from a child is failing to bring a smile to my face even after searching deep within myself - Something I found out whilst spending a few days here in Sydney with my cousins. My heart is no longer innocent; neither is it contaminated with impurities. Rather, it has been wiped clean with no memories and ability to learn anymore - In other words, I don't know if I can ever learn emotions like empathy anymore, after it has been wiped clean off my heart.
I'm tired of making any contacts or conversations at all. I don't want people to know that I exist at all; I wouldn't care if I didn't exist in anyone's eyes. I wouldn't care if I talked to no one for years and years; because I no longer understand the term "loneliness" and neither do I feel it anymore.
I wish I can disappear from the face of this Earth or at least be invisible to everyone else. You can treat me that way if you wish.
And they say be careful of what you wish for. That is really what I want.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
5:04 PM
Saturday, November 07, 2009
Super Bbun!
And to kick-start my first ever award: Award for the best person/thing that could bring out a smile from the bottom of my heart... And the award goes to Australian Mango, especially so when the summer season is now on... I'll need this award to remind me that there are little things that still can make me smile; this so-called award of the year is meant to help me search deeper to look for that smile since it no longer comes as easily anymore.
I want to disappear from the face of this Earth; or at least be invisible to everyone else for my own personal reasons.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
9:22 PM
Bought two $2 scratchcard... Scratched one... Lost $2... Scratched another... And won $15. Lol... Accompanied my cousin to go and see the doctor... Then we had dim sum... And read him a story for his afternoon nap... Just a simple and normal day for once for me... Because every other day is not a normal day for me. Tomorrow will go claim my prize after accompanying the other little guy to go see dentist to have his baby tooth removed. Hahaha.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
6:16 PM
Friday, November 06, 2009
Almost crashed my car today again... Went over a very deep pothole on the highway and lost control. Luckily there were no cars around. So nothing serious happened. The pothole was really deep; if not, that wouldn't have happened too.
Oh well. That's what happens when you drive fast; every minor and seemingly not serious things becomes very critical and important, and can make a difference between life and death.
Yet, I drove straight on after that, never re-thinking about what happened. I was not scared.
Oh, and I tried to max my engine on a straight and flat path along the highway. I managed to hit 170km/h with Buttercup. Once I reached that, obviously I slowed back down to 110km/h. Buttercup's engine just purred and not grumbled :) Could hear the smoothness in her engine even at that speed. So she is in good condition and healthy!
And right now, thinking back about the sequence of events... I am starting to wonder... Should I be scared of why I am not scared? Even if I should, I am not feeling that. And is it something bad? To even not be scared of why I am not scared? Honestly, I do not know. Maybe it's a good thing; so nothing can stop me in my tracks in future.
Reading more articles on agricultural practices throughout the world. Hopefully will get some results soon. Still waiting for my name cards and personalised rubber stamp; supposedly is being delivered from Germany. Wow. I didn't even know that. Haha. I hope my things don't go missing whilst being delivered; I rarely buy things online not because I don't trust the supplier or deliverer, but rather, I don't trust the mail system in my school; especially so when there are so many missing mails every so often - Especially parcels.
I hope this sudden draft of cold air today will end soon... Because I want to go to the beach sometime soon... I'm going to Bondi Beach... Either that or I'll be going to Cronulla Beach... Or I'll just go to the beach near my aunt's home...
I feel happy today; for once, I don't feel indifference, disappointment or anger. Playing with my cousins and letting them watch cartoons that I downloaded for them and hence seeing them laugh and smile so happily makes me happy too... I feel happy because I can make them happy :) For once in a long time, I feel happy sincerely. For once, I feel normal and not just a grumpy military guy. For once, I know I have not lost my emotions completely. But I wonder how long will this last; as in, how long will I persist without losing these emotions. Because the longer I stay in ADFA and the military with a set of expectations and with little forgiveness, my soul and emotions is gradually being sucked away, leaving a big hole in my heart. Now I know that I still can feel other forms of emotions, but I wonder, is it just because the hole in my heart is just beginning to widen and has yet to eat away my whole heart? How long will it be before it eats away my whole heart? And before I know it, I don't know when, perhaps the next time when I come down and play with my cousins and make them smile, I may not smile or laugh again for the hole may have completely eaten my whole heart by then. Is that a possibility? Or not?
I have been thinking so so so much lately. So much so that it is so unhealthy. Yet again, I can't stop thinking for this is how my brain works. I can't stop it from thinking, especially so if it's lessons that can be lifelong, or if it can have a lifelong impact negatively if I don't try to think and get to the root of the problem and try to solve it.
Don't get me wrong; I am not negative in my life. I am in fact very positive about my life. I see so many opportunities ahead of me amidst everything. I have so many chances to excel and commit mistakes. I have developed qualities that may seem very negative in social aspects (e.g. anti-social), but they will prove to be very useful in my future training and vocation - One of which is stubbornness and not caring what others think of me. In fact, being emotionless and not scared of anything may just well be very much positive for me in future - So much so that I won't be frightened or affected negatively in my performance by others' failures or death or injuries or accidents in my vocation, that I won't be afraid of giving it a go and pushing beyond my limits for I have nothing to lose. I see these attributes as beneficial to a large extent; of course I recognise that there are disadvantages to these attributes that I have gradually developed over the past year. Nonetheless, I continue to reflect upon myself and type out these thoughts on my blog because what's going on with me is a humanity issue too; that I am feeling less and less human - That my humanity is being sucked out of me. And I have to reflect upon myself in this blog because if humanity is sucked out of an individual, then the individual has not much to look forward in life and that there is no point in achieving so much because the individual has just become a robot programmed to excel in numerous areas, but not feeling that sense of achievement or other positive emotions in achieving those tasks which once used to be called goals and aspirations (but they have become simply tasks because the individual has ceased to feel and understand the meaning of humanity). So whilst I may continue to excel, or perhaps excel even more, I may have lost the ability to enjoy these future achievements that I know one day will be mine. And if that's the case, so what if I excel? There must be a meaning for achievements; and for that, there must be humanity - And that is what I am trying to find back in myself.
I am looking for my lost humanity - Trying to understand and feel the many different emotions that I once used to be able to feel. Because right now, I have lost so much humanity to the extent that I feel nothing and I can't even express my condolences when someone told me that a person whom I knew was involved in a serious car accident and is hospitalised. All I could say was "Oh... I hope she's alright..."; and that was in passing... And I had nothing else to say thereafter, lest feel anything at all even though I knew that person... Not a tad of surprise, sadness, or even just a humanly-form of pity which we have for strangers in unfortunate circumstances.
Hmmm... Maybe I can be recruited into deadly missions in future; to be not afraid of harming anyone (innocent or guilty) and bearing the emotional consequences thereafter, for all I know is to be loyal and serve my country. Maybe my brain has become very much like a robot whilst my body is still human. I guess all I need now is a metal body and doing away with all the physical limitations posed by this human body.
Why do I say so? I have an objective, I have goals in "life". I calculate the best possible way to achieve them. I am undeterred by any obstacles around me. I have no feelings or emotions for anyone or anything else, lest my country and people. My focus is clear; I will excel and achieve my goals and I don't care about the people who revolve around me whilst I travel this path. These people may be my guidance and direction, but they won't become a personal part of my life.
So tell me... If that doesn't sound like a programmed robot to you, what does it sound like?
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
7:06 PM
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Why am I so broken? I am not pitying myself. I am questioning myself.
No matter how broken I am, I will still persist. In fact, I will thrive; because failure and being broken physically and emotionally has been a part of my life, from a student in NCC to a sportsmen in kayaking to a soldier in the military. I thrived because I have been broken and I have failed time and again.
Catagenesis.
Pain - Emotionally or physically - Has enabled me to come so far. More pain and hardships should make me go further and achieve more. I won't give up, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how a part of me has disappeared. If I have lost some part of me, then I shall learn to live without it; what's the point of brooding over it when you can't grow that lost part again? Yes, though broken and lost a part of myself, be it physically or emotionally, being broken does not equate to losing hope or giving up.
Being broken is the first step in telling myself that I can do better, that I can excel because I have already failed and been broken, and that I can't get worse than this. For things will only get better when you're at the bottom.
I am going driving for the next few days.
I am never going to church again in my life. I have decided. I believe in God, but I don't believe in many of the teachings of the church. I don't believe God is so petty, to decide who goes to Heaven and Hell based simply on whether one is Christian. One need not be a Christian to believe. If I am a good human - I work hard and try to make a difference in people's lives for the better; I never stop helping those less fortunate than me; will God deny me heaven simply because I am not a Christian? Is the God that everyone knows so petty? I doubt so. Actions speak louder than words. Does one gets to go to Heaven simply because he/she says he/she believes and he/she is a Christian? I believe there is God; and I believe that this God is fair and just and not a petty one. Even non-Christians who are good human beings can do the work of God. Must it always be a Christian who do the work of God? If what they say is true, that: God has a path for me (or anyone else for that matter). Then surely God will not blame you for not accepting Christianity because that might be his path for you too, wouldn't it? If people believe in destiny and fate, then they should accept that there are some who may never accept God not because they don't choose to, but because fate does not bring them together and in-sync with God and because that is not their destiny. Have they ever thought that that may be God's path for them?
I have reached enlightenment in this religious issue; after going to church for numerous years inconsistently, though not a Christian, I have received enlightenment, that perhaps my path in life is not a Christian's. That is my fate and my destiny; my destiny is one that I seek to carve for myself, and for the better of humanity and everyone less fortunate than me. That is my destiny and calling in life. Perhaps you can call that my calling from God: Duty, service, loyalty. And perhaps you can say that He does not want me to waste my whole life pondering about religious issues and He wants me to get to work quickly so that I can do more good and make more difference quicker.
Sometimes, you will be amazed what in-depth thinking can bring about. Sometime I feel like going crazy... Yet at other times, I feel totally enlightened.
Yes, in this life of mine, I have nothing to offer anyone or anything, except my love, my life, my loyalty and my service. Then again, I may be losing some of these... Especially love... I look around me... From family to friends and everyone else... I don't know how to love anymore... I only know that what ties me emotionally to everyone around me now is a sense of loyalty and service... Right now, I don't know if I can even love those less fortunate than me... Whether I want to help them and make this world a better place simply because service is in my nature, that I can't seem to find love in my heart for anyone now, except for my country for it is a place I call home, and for my job for it is what I use to serve my country.
Without love, just service and loyalty, can I truly make as much difference to those less fortunate than me? I don't even know if I love my cats anymore... Whether I stroke them and hug them simply because it's out of pity - That they were orphans, that they have no one else except for my family. I don't know the meaning of love anymore. Not just love to the opposite gender, but love for anything living at all.
Because I find it so much easier to love a non-living thing.
Home (by Kit Chan) Whenever I am feeling low I look around me and I know There's a place that will stay within me Wherever I may choose to go I will always recall the city Know every street and shore Sail down the river which brings us life Winding through my Singapore
Chorus: This is Home, truly Where I know I must be Where my dreams wait for me Where that river always flows This is home, surely As my senses tell me This is where I won't be alone For this is where I know it's home
When there are troubles to go through We'll find a way to start anew There is comfort in the knowledge That homes about its people too So we'll build our dreams together Just like we've done before Just like the river which brings us life There'll always be Singapore
Chorus: This is Home, truly Where I know I must be Where my dreams wait for me Where that river always flows This is home, surely As my senses tell me This is where I won't be alone For this is where I know it's home
Chorus Repeat
This is Home, truly Where I know I must be Where my dreams wait for me Where that river always flows This is home, surely As my senses tell me This is where I won't be alone For this is where I know it's home (For this is where I know, I'm HOME)
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
9:23 PM
I shall just walk alone.
I shall just tread this path alone. If I fall then I fall; I'll stand by myself. If I get thrown off a bridge into the river, then I shall swim ashore and not wait for someone to lower a rope from the bridge. If I climb a mountain alone and my arm somehow got stuck and I can't pull it out alone, then I shall sever that arm.
I will train myself to be good enough so that I will never have to depend on anyone. I will make sure I am good enough so that I can tread this path alone, a path that few or probably no one would ever accompany me. If I am not good enough, then I shall suffer the consequences, followed by hardening up and making sure I am good enough in future.
I will be good enough so that I need not have to ask help from anyone. I will be good enough so that only others will ask help from me. I will be good enough to the extent that I will be the best person suited for a particular role, and no one else can replace me; I will train to be good enough so that I become indispensable.
Right now I am not good enough, so I have to work opposite to everything I have mentioned. Otherwise, I may just lose my arms and legs before even becoming good enough.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
5:13 PM
You can jolly well fuck off because I don't want to talk to you. I am not sorry if that upsets you, but that's how I live my life. If I don't want to talk to you even if I have to, I wouldn't. Because I can't be bothered wasting my breath on you. As simple as that. So fuck off and go talk to yourself in the mirror. I don't care if it's an argument or debate at all; I don't admit that I am right or wrong. In fact, I don't care if I am right or wrong. So you can just fuck off because I can't be bothered to talk to you and I can't be bothered in finding out the truth or whether something is right or wrong. So what if it is true? So what if it is right or wrong? Does it make a difference to my life? No.
Look at my face. I'll tell you what it says: You are wasting my time and brainpower. I can't be bothered with you.
Mun Bbun is fighting hard to be a fighter pilot at
3:53 PM
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Tang Mun Bbun
Civil Servant
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Duty & Service
I have nothing to offer, but my life, blood, sweat and loyalty
